Myth, The Journey, and Standing up in the River of Emotions

(This was one of the candidates for our Spring 2011 Newsletter, but decided to go with a lighter piece! This one is a bit more intense, but for anyone doing their inner work (especially NFs) I think you'll relate!)

To look at my life from the outside, it would seem slow and steady, quiet and unassuming. However, within the confines of this exterior, there is a wild adventure going on. I read somewhere that myth is a reliable map of the pilgrim’s journey, because as stories are passed down for hundreds or thousands of years, only those stories and parts of the stories that resonate with the human experience make it through the filters as they’re passed on generation to generation. What we end up with is a refined map of what each seeking soul will experience in their heroic quest for wholeness.

The map has proven true for me. I’ve experienced the labyrinthine path, experienced the valleys of blindness and sorrow, peaks of clear sight and joy; I’ve had moments of feeling shattered and lost, then moments of wholeness and contentment; I’ve experienced the coldness of feeling outside of love, and then the warmth of acceptance and forgiveness. I’ve wrestled with my enemy, slaying dragons of self-hatred, rescuing the beautiful and vulnerable parts of myself from the dungeons of fear and shame; I’ve come face-to-face with the inner demons that I’ve allowed to control me, only to discover they’re merely a mask of defense behind which my utter vulnerability lies, my ego’s attempt to protect me. The quest for wholeness is ongoing as I continue learning how to use the shadowed energy for healthier means of relating with myself and others.

What amazes me is that the only conscious choice I have in the matter, besides my initial yes to the journey, is choosing to stay in the pain that I don’t understand rather than medicate it or run from it, and paying attention to my dreams and synchronicities. I’ll share a recent page from my adventure story as an example:

I dreamt one night that I was in a wide river. I found myself getting swept away by a strong current. I stood up and held my ground. I was not washed away in the wrong direction. I wrote this dream down and shared it with one of our sistery members Inie, who has been working on dreams for 50 years. The river represented my emotions that can sweep me in the wrong direction when I don’t stand up in the current. The dream portended what next wanted to be made conscious, namely that, yes, I am able to stand up amidst a tide of emotions brought on by, say, experiencing rejection (real or imagined).

For those familiar with Myers-Briggs, I have a very high feeling function, at the expense of a much less utilized thinking function. This dream helped me realize the importance of learning to exercise my thinking function while the torrent of feeling is attempting to sweep me into irrationality.

A short time after this, I experienced being swept away by feelings. An observant friend, without knowing of my recent river dream, asked me to go to my mind and consider whether what I was thinking was true. I could feel the water rushing over my body, my rationality fleeting, but it was enough to help me plant my feet on the ground. It was a rather humbling experience of waking up in the midst of the irrationality I was experiencing. I was tempted to run, feeling ashamed. But I stayed with it, and the experience has proven to be an important teacher.

What followed in the ensuing days was some direct confrontation with some deep-seated fears that I have allowed to control me, and a breakthrough to the grief behind my wall of defense. I’m still learning how to stand up in the midst of the deluge, but I continue to get stronger with each successful experience.

I’ve asked myself recently if this journey to consciousness matters, in light of the increasing devastation locally, nationally, and globally. This work feels so small in comparison to the needs, yet I find that as my self-awareness increases, I participate less in the blind and unbridled consumption of natural resources and dualistic thinking. I feel more accepting of others, as I am more accepting of myself. Earlier in my life, I wasn’t strong enough to confront and bring to consciousness the powerful feelings within. As I now face my hurt and anger and my own capacity to hurt others, I shed the chains of falsehood that have held me captive and begin to find my true foundation. As I stop the violence I do to myself, I find myself less inclined to violate others. So, yes, the journey to consciousness does matter and feels crucial if I want to be fully alive and relate well in the world.

My hope is that as each person takes their heroic journey and faces the hurt and anger within, with courage, compassion, and forgiveness, peace will continue to take root among us.